That Certain ‘Je Ne Sais Quoi’

valentinesA friend of mine asked me the other day who my type of man was.  I didn’t have an answer.  I know the things I like in a man, but I realized there were a million and one variables.  I like men with dark hair.  The last guy I went out with had blonde hair.  I like men taller than I am.  I had a blast last weekend dancing with a man who was a good foot shorter than me.

I realized it comes down to this.  It just depends on the man.  Or woman. Depending on who you are and what you fancy.

Men can show up and say and do all the right things. They may have everything on my list but it just doesn’t float my boat for whatever reason.  I think because I’m always looking for that little “Je ne sais quois”.  It’s French…duh…and directly translated it means that “I don’t know what”.

So see! If the French have a phrase for it, it doesn’t mean I’m completely out of my mind.

It’s the thing you don’t know what, but when you see it, you know.

I believe attraction is subjective.  Of course it is.  What I like you may hate and vice versa. I have an incredible attraction for Arthur Aidala. He’s a famous defense attorney and Fox News contributor.  I think he might be short.  And he doesn’t have any hair. But neither does Bruce Willis and zowie!  Now most people don’t put on their list, hey I want the short bald guy.  But to me he has that little “Je ne sais quoi.”  That certain little I don’t know what, and I love it!

Arthur Aidala
Arthur Aidala

Recently, I wrote about a guy named Jax Taylor on a new reality series called Vanderpump Rules. There’s no doubt about it, he’s hot.  He’s a male model.  Charming.  But he’s in a toxic relationship with this girl who pushes him around constantly.  So in my mind, he’s so much less attractive.

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Why do I say all this?  Well, for a couple of important reasons.  First of all its Valentines Day today.  I don’t have a hot date tonight. I’m doing a radio show instead.   And for the first time in my life. I’m actually not worried about it at all.  I’m happy.  (Shocked face!)  I’m going to make a drink.  Take a candlelit bubble bath.  Watch a sappy movie and/or James Bond and do the radio show I’m a guest on.

Two years ago today, exactly, was basically the worst day of my entire life.  I had been dating this amazing man for a while. I can honestly say I was madly deeply in love with him.  We had been seeing each other since the previous August.  And on Valentines day we had just returned from a romantic trip to Fort Lauderdale.  And while he was still at my house, I ventured out and cautiously asked him, “Are we seeing other people, or is it just us?”

Please note the “we” even though I really meant “you”.

And he said something to me that is so burned in my brain I’m certain at this point I’ll never get it out.

He said if you are looking for a relationship, I’m not it.  He explained to me that for him to consider dating someone, he has this really, very “high criteria”.  Then he paused and I finished his sentence for him and said, “And I don’t meet your criteria.”

My heart fell to the floor and broke in to a tiny million pieces that day.  To me, he had that “Je ne sais quois”. But to him, I didn’t.

And now here’s the really, really important part.

That’s all okay.

If you are with someone who doesn’t believe deep in his soul you are a gift straight from God and treat you as such, he has no right being in your life.   And the other very important lesson is that if he doesn’t think you have that “je ne sais quois”, you aren’t broken, or deficient  or even not good enough.  You just weren’t right for him.

I think for the past couple years I walked around somehow feeling like…less.  It’s crazy how much it actually propelled me toward success even if maybe it was for the wrong reasons.  I tried a million times to guess at the criteria.  I wasn’t young enough?  I wasn’t wealthy enough?  I wasn’t skinny enough?  The point is, it didn’t matter.  Regardless, I am enough, period.

My worth and value isn’t determined by another’s opinion.  Take that to the bank and it’s not just in relationships.

I vote to hold out for that person with that certain, “I don’t know what”.  The one that can just lean in to you and whisper something insignificant in your ear and you melt.  It’s like the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Which it IS Valentine’s Day so feel free to watch.  But Tom Hanks refers to the moment he first met his wife and he said he was just taking her hand, helping her out of a cab and it was…magic.

That’s what I’m holding out for and I hope you do too.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! And may this day find you very loved even if it is just you loving yourself.

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