There was a brief amount of time that I had the opportunity to work for the Disney Company. I had long admired the company since my first trip to Disney World for a dance competition at the ripe old age of 16. After moving to Florida as an adult I went to Disney World at least a hundred times, if not more. I know where every great place to dine is. (The coconut Flan at the Crystal Palace is magic in your mouth) I can tell you the location of any bathroom on any of the properties. I can even tell you the best little spots to watch the fireworks. And on and on and on. So at one point in my life I thought my family was moving the three hours north to Orlando and in my excitement I decided to finally get my job with Disney. And I did.
I was considered expert level so I was assigned to the sales and reservation team that handled other frequent guests to Disney. The training was several months long so I commuted back and forth, sometimes sleeping in my car, just to finally fulfill my dream.
The first time we went live with actual guests calling in there was something that surprised me. I’m in a room with maybe an acre of people and all of them are taking calls and making reservations, every single person was on the phone and the second you ended one call, BOOM, another person was on your call again. This went for hours. For me and my pea sized brain I couldn’t comprehend there were that many people, almost all in America, who were planning trips to Walt Disney World. Yes, I understand it’s the number one vacation destination in the world, but really? I never ran out of people. I just couldn’t imagine the sheer numbers and the possibilities.
Good thing Disney is not limited by my thinking.
The problem is, I limit myself sometimes by my thinking.
I don’t mean to be a negative Nancy or a Donlyn downer. But after you have so many difficult things happen to you, somewhere in there you begin to expect them. I think that’s one of the things I least like about myself. I tend to always expect the worst. A friend may call me up and say “I have something to tell you.” My first response is, “oh no! What’s wrong?”
Not, “Oh cool what happened?” I don’t even know why I react that way any more. Sadly, it’s become very automatic.
Over the weekend I sort of had my breath knocked out of me. Now without going in to too much detail I can say it was actually a good thing. Not an easy thing but a very good thing. It hurt. Yes, like a mutha….fill in the blank. But it was necessary.
After spending the good part of the entire last year finally getting over someone who once meant a great deal to me, I’m left with a bit of a problem. My pea sized brain again. I can’t imagine my happy ending.
Right now, I can’t imagine anything really good coming in to my life. I know that sounds incredibly sad but it’s very honest. I can’t imagine caring for someone that much again. Or even when it comes to other certain situations in my life I’m finding myself in limbo. I know all of this is an incredible test of faith and I know that beyond any shadow of doubt. But my problem stems from the fact my “believer” is broken. Please note I said believer and not belieber because Justin Bieber is a complete jack-ass. Nothing wrong with my “believer” in that area.
But my finite mind limits my infinite God.
Just because I can’t imagine it, doesn’t mean God can’t do it. Why is that so difficult for me to understand?
I’m starting to hear the same message from so many different friends. Believe, they all say. I never think things like that are random accidents. I do believe God is in control even when it doesn’t feel like it. My greatest worry is that I will hold myself back and become my own worst enemy because of my inability to “believe”.
I want to default to the positive. I want to believe God has the job I’m looking for out there. Or the relationship I want. Or the future I would move mountains to try to obtain. But that’s when it hits me. I’m not the one in the business of moving mountains and I only know ONE who is. And with just the faith of a mustard seed, they can be moved. It isn’t about me trying harder, it’s about me finally letting go and surrendering to the one who can imagine so much more amazing things in my life than this little pea brain could possibly ever conjure. It’s not about everything I’m doing wrong. It’s about how his strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Turns out, let go, and let God, is something that even this pea brain can comprehend.