Lost and Found

Which way to Vegas?
Which way to Vegas?

I hate feeling lost. Probably because of my need to constantly be in control of  anything and everything. Even things I have no control over.  Which can make me crazier than a cheerleader with out a date to prom.

I’ve also always been very goal oriented. You give me a goal and I will fix my eyes on it until doomsday or completion which ever comes first. When I give myself a goal it’s another story.  And that comes from one of my biggest faults which is that incessant need to please others.

Now, don’t get me wrong and don’t go off preaching to me in my comments. I have come so far with that you wouldn’thave recognized me a decade ago. I know what needs to be done and for the most part I do it. My entire “delve into writing” was a giant F U to the world shouting, I’m doing this and this is who I am and all y’all can just go bite me.  It was my coming out party of no longer caring what anyone thought.

It was a good year.

But on the flip side of that same coin, I like making people happy. It’s what gives me a lot of joy. I love making people laugh and smile. I love giving them what they need. The only problem happens when I put their needs over mine. Sometimes I don’t even recognize my own needs because I’m too busy focusing on the other person.

This week I had to put my needs first and it resulted in a big loss.

For a few months, I felt found. Oh dear God it was good.  It was like having oxygen again after being stuck in space, a la Sandra Bullock in Gravity.

But then this week I realized the lopsidedness of the situation.  I wasn’t getting what I needed. The old me would have hung on just for the sake of the other person. Or for the sake of not having to make that hard decision.  Or to just not have that big hole back in my life. But I didn’t. I said this is what I need because, well, it’s who I am.  And after all, you can never really run from who you are now can you.

You wouldn’t think that would be so difficult. But it was. Because it meant a big loss to me. And that’s the very thing I hate most of all. Not being able to control when people leave your life. In my life I’d keep most everybody because I love easily and I see so much value in people.  I go out and help the homeless lady rummage through my building’s recyclables and help her get the cans and bottles that will give her some money.  Don’t even start. I know.

But the hard pill to swallow is realizing it’s just time for some people to move on from your life. It doesn’t make it easier. Or better. It just is. If I could stop it I would. You have no idea how much I’d want to stop it.

But the difference now is I wouldn’t stop it in spite of my own needs.

I’ve been lost a good part of my life. Even with my keen sense of direction. And I know the “found” part can truly only come from me.

So with a grateful heart, I bid another fond farewell.

Thank you for the advice and the encouragement and an overflow of compliments and kindness.

 

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes
Well that’s fine by me

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn’t know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is a prize

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn’t know I was lost

Read more: Avicii – Wake Me Up Lyrics | MetroLyrics

One Comment

  1. Christina

    Every time I read your newest blog post, I feel like you’re peeking into my life. Like you’re somehow over my shoulder saying, what advice does she need to hear this time. It’s always so insightful and wonderfully written. Thank you for continuing to write.

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