Down the rabbit hole, no more

About a month ago or so, one of my girlfriends posted on her facebook page a question concerning how aren’t we glad we didn’t get everything we wanted that we so desperately pined for. I don’t recall the exact words. I recall her believing she was somehow crazy for posting the idea. But I took it to heart. 

This week I learned a big lesson. A simply beautiful validation that I am so grateful for I’m almost beside myself, whatever that means.

I didn’t get what I wanted, and now I realize what a blessing that was.

It’s been a couple years, but there once was a person who meant the world to me.  One of those people you would have literally done anything for. The only problem was I wasn’t good enough. Now, don’t start preaching at me and just keep reading.  It wasn’t that I thought I wasn’t good enough, well, on the surface any way. He quite profoundly told me once, upon my questioning him to define us a little, that he only dated women who are here. And he held his hand up high, in a mock imaginary graph.  It was Valentine’s Day. And it sucked because basically he told me I wasn’t good enough for the dating only good enough for the, well, you figure it out.  But then he proceeded to “not date” me for a couple of years.

Yes, now it’s ludicrous and ridiculous and I’m almost embarrassed to even say it. But clarity is rarely a gift in the heat of the moment for any matters of the heart.  Truth be told, I loved him dearly. And when I finally realized I deserved oh so much more, I asked him to go away. And he did.  Then the real tortuous work of recovery began. And it was hard. So very, very hard.

Eventually I got to a place of praying for him and his happiness and that God would bring someone in to his life. And God did. It wasn’t particularly joyful to see the photos of the happy couple trickling down my news feed on social media.  But it was still what I wanted.  I wanted happiness for him even if it meant not being with me.  That’s what love does.

So fast forward a couple years.  Karma, like she does, has a way about making things right. Make no mistake about it. I equate “karma” with God making things right.  God frequently and painfully has held a mirror up to my own face on more occasions than I’d like to admit but I am grateful for the rebuke and correction because God does it in such a beautiful way. I walk away better than I was before. And that’s what happened this week.

This guy recently had his heart broken.  Imagine my surprise when he reached out last spring telling me he had had his heart smashed and realized what I finally must have felt.  He explained missing my friendship. And the desire to be back in my life.

have I gone mad

He had plans to even come to see me in California until, well.  I woke up.

You see, somewhere within this past year I’ve gotten to know a very good man. It’s not someone I can ever be with.  We are in two completely different spots in our life. But like God does, he brings people in to our lives to teach us lessons. Even if they aren’t meant to stay there. They bring what they need to. And what this guy in California has brought to my life is a plumb line.  One I’ve never had before.  A plumb-line is also biblical.  In construction, a plumb-line will show you what is perfectly straight, so then all else can be measured to it.

When it comes to relationships, a woman’s father should be her plumb-line. But for those of us who didn’t have that privilege we tend to drift about desperately seeking what is right.  We laugh and mock over daddy issues, but you have no idea how true and painful of a reality they are. When you have nothing to measure what is “straight and good”, then you put up with a bevy of incorrectness.

But I finally got it. With God’s help, I finally got it. And when the ghost of my past reappeared this week, I think I unleashed a life time of pain in one simple conversation.  I am not a disposable pleasure. I am not a toy to be played with and tossed aside at will. I’m not to be wronged and expected to forgive a thousand times. I’m not stupid. I’m not cheap. I’m not so desperate for love that I will allow abuse in any form.  Somewhere along the path, I became strong. Stronger than even I realized until I made a boy cry.

And that, coupled with seeing what good can actually be, I settle for nothing less than a good man.  If it means being alone a great amount of time, or even the rest of my life, then I willingly and lovingly accept it.  Because I finally learned the lesson of loving myself first. And until you do, you are lost down the rabbit hole.   I’ll admit to being mad. I think the best people are. I may be complex and I may be a pain in the ass, but I know I’m also worth it.  And it took me a really long time to learn that.

There was something astounding about saying, I don’t want you any more. I deserve more, and I deserve good. Call me mad, but me and my ridiculously big heart will still wait.  And God willing, that beautiful, good man of a plumb line will someday cross my path.

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