Betty Book Review: How to ‘Own that Guy in 60 days’ or get an STD…er..something.

Ohhhh, ladies, listen up! There’s a new book out called Own that Guy in 60 Days: A Practical Guide to Love for the 21st Century Woman.  The author,  Blake Lavak, is a uber successful financier who also studied Psychology at The London School of Economics. After his 15 year marriage came to a crumbling end and he was suddenly thrust back in to the dating scene he and he began to notice which women in bars were easily attracting the “pick of the litter”, so to speak, and which ones were not. He speaks of his sister who was intelligent and attractive but had difficulty keeping a relationship.

So he set out to decipher how certain women are able to obtain the relationship of their dreams and what those women had in common. His advice?  Please, sit down first. Sleep with a man on the first date. Pay for dinner. And then the woman should be the one to reach out via text or whatever the next day.

Basically what he is saying…the guy gets laid, doesn’t have to buy you dinner or drinks, ever, in the beginning and doesn’t have to even call the next day? Ummm, newsflash, WHAT GUY WOULDN’T WANT THAT?

Lavak goes on to explain both valid but mostly disgusting points.

So, let me address this book a little better considering the author has his brain resting somewhere in the vicinity of his Levi’s.  In order to be fair, I bought the damn book. It’s kindle version that is. It’s the dirtiest three dollars I’ve ever spent in my life. So here are some of the highlights from the book.

Contradictions.

He states that looks, money and a flat stomach don’t matter. I’m assuming he lumps age in with all of that. But he invariably continues to speak of the “younger, hotter” set as being the only thing a man could possibly want.

If your sports club is full of lots of younger and hotter women, and you are hoping to eat tuna for dinner then cancel your membership and join a new sports club.

No ambition.

He assumes women have zero to no ambition.

Land the big tuna and piggy back off all of the hard work he did to get the good life…It seems that women like working for a while. And then the instinct that they were born with kicks in and they do what comes naturally and start looking for a provider.

Men have zero responsibility.

Just so you know, if any thing goes wrong and you don’t land your “big tuna” as he likes to reference high caliber men, then it’s all your fault.

If he doesn’t fall and fall hard, then you have failed in your mission. You have done something wrong. Or you might have fallen in love with him first and harder. Oh dear, this will never do.

Men shouldn’t have to “bother”. 

Women should always approach men first. This is actually not bad advice in and of itself. I’ve had more success approaching men then waiting for their testicles to drop to come and speak with me.

Then there are stories in Los Angeles which add weight to the argument. Tales whereby men in LA don’t even bother approaching women at all. Why. Because they women in LA approach a man if they are interested, otherwise, they don’t…it saves men a lot of bother.

Yes, because I would hate for men to be bothered.

Lots of dirty sex.

Women should provide lots of dirty sex from date one on because if you don’t someone else will.  He says it doesn’t matter if you get anything out of it or not.

If you aren’t using sex to land your big tuna then you may as well go home.

He has this odd fascination with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Apparently he knows that Jennifer Aniston sits around and asks herself what she did wrong.

How come every man and virtually every woman, if she were being truthful would like to sleep with Angelina Jolie? Sex appeal.  How come everybody likes Jennifer Anniston but she can’t seem to keep her man. Lack of sex appeal.

And this from a man who learned how to touch a woman from reading Playboy as a kid.

When I was a kid I not only relied on my Dad’s stack of Playboy magazines…to enable me to see what the delicious lumps and bumps actually looked like under her clothes but it also helped me to understand what I was supposed to do with a female body if I was ever lucky enough to have one to play with.

Light as a feather. 

He says to always listen to the man but just be a fun happy girl and never mention any of your problems.

Fun girl has problems like everybody else. She’s had some tough times too. Breast cancer in her mid thirties nearly killed her. And she was raped when she was in her teens. She is not rich or even financially secure…But she manages to keep her problems to herself, and she certainly won’t let a problem or two spoil a good evening.

Yes, because I would hate for my breast cancer to muck up a good night for a man.

Single moms.

Apparently the only way a single mom can provide a good life for her kids is to land Hot Tuna.

Single moms work all day to pay for strangers to look after her daughter from 8am until 6pm. So the strangers see her daughter for 10 hours a day….That is the price Single Mom really pays for her liberty she takes when she spoils her chance of a better life with Hot Tuna by talking about something he doesn’t want to hear…So be smart. When you are in the company of Hot Tuna, make sure you talk about things that are of interest to him.

Lots of other rules.

Always pay. Never wear your hair up. Never go out with more than one girlfriend. Always look your best. Hide you fat. Always listen to the man and don’t talk about yourself. Flatter him. Never tell him he’s wrong even if he’s committed murder.

Do you hate this guy as much as I do yet?

WARNING: Curse words ahead.

As women, we have a tendency to beat ourselves up and take responsibility for  things that are truly out of our control. Further that, here is some bitter, misogynistic, shallow, dickless excuse of a man who thinks he has it all figured out. And the thing that worries me most about this book is that some woman will fall for it.

First of all, it’s not about YOU. (speaking to Mr. Lavak)

He wrongly assumes that the only key to happiness is landing some big tuna who will jump at your every whim. I would despise a guy like that. As a matter of fact, weak men are my most hated sort, only trumped by arrogant narcissistic assholes.

I don’t want a man to provide for me. Some women may, but I also see how a woman who is a stay at home mom should be considered just as big of a breadwinner because she’s doing the work of 5 people and doing it all for free. BECAUSE SHE’S PART OF A PARTNERSHIP. Not a dictatorship you smug f***.

And the single mom thing? Only way to provide a good life eh? I’ve been a single mom for over 10 years. I became a writer because I could do it from home and drop off and pick up my kids every damn day.  And guess what? A man didn’t provide it for me.

This book assumes the only needs that matter are a man’s. It’s literally misogyny at it’s finest.

I think he gives men a bad name. I know so many men who don’t fall under any of this bullshit. And that’s the big thing. Because I’m single, Mr Lavak will assume oh I did it wrong and couldn’t “land” a man. Did he ever stop to consider maybe some of us don’t want one. Or at least, not for the moment.

I’ve had my share of big Tunas.  There was one in particular I thought at the time I wanted desperately. But now that I know him, truly, truly know him, years later, I think he’s quite possibly the biggest prick I’ve ever met in my life. Thank you God, I didn’t end up with him.

And I don’t think I have to go around trying my hardest to get chlamydia, so I can keep a damn man.

He talks about how women need to be sexy. Well, his definition is very different from mine. It has nothing to do with our looks.  I am sexy. Why? Because I feel it. Am I young? Not really. Perfectly in shape? Meh. Wealthy beyond all belief? Not yet.  But I’m happy and I feel so good about myself.

If I wanted dirty sex, I could pick up the phone and have it in 10 minutes. I’m not trying to be boarish or crude. It’s the truth.  But sex shouldn’t only be meeting the needs of one person. Because when it does, it won’t take any time for someone else to come along and say all the right things to a woman and whisk her away from the big fat Tuna.

What women want matter as well. And tricking a man in to thinking we don’t need or want anything is stupid.   I love  when I have  a connection with someone. But with someone of value. A man who has zero respect for me, which is exactly the type of Mr. Lavak’s Big Tuna, then it leaves a woman feeling less and used and no woman is going to put up with that for long. He acts like the man is the big catch, but I like to think I also, am a big catch.

It humors me that he paints Jennifer Aniston as some big loser.  Have you SEEN Justin Theroux? I lump him in my highest category of man, sexy as f***. He oozes sexy and Jennifer Aniston gets him every night.  And Lavak paints Brad Pitt as some big win, when in fact, he’s a dirty cheater. And if they will do it with you they will do it to you. Mark my words.  Justin Theroux is what Brad Pitt wishes he still looked like.

But it all comes down to this. It’s all subjective.

Do I think he made some valid points? Yes. If a woman truly wants a partner then she needs to be bold and she needs to be looking in the right place.  But what is sexy is subjective. I know a guy I dated that loves curly hair up in a pony tail.  It’s just his thing.  Lavak finds it disgusting and lazy.  And his idea of a Big Tuna is my idea of a Big Dick.  And I don’t want it. Well, you know what I mean.

But here’s the worst part. He removes God from the equation fully. I know people who are married and happy and met somewhere in the middle of the congo doing missionary work when no other English speakers were within a 100 miles. It was such a God thing. And that’s why I think women need to make themselves happy first. I think they should be self reliant. I think if they want to go out and hang out with a bunch of girlfriends because it makes them happy, then so be it. I think they should do their best to look good and feel good because that also makes them happy. And I also don’t think that means they are going to be living single for the rest of their lives.

And lastly, the worst part of this book is exactly how it began. He quotes Galatians 6:7-9.

Galatians 6:7-9 King James Version (KJV)

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

I am beyond words that a book that tells you everything is shallow and superficial and tells you to sow the flesh, would be so bold as to quote this passage as the beginning of his book. All I can say is, if a lightening storm shows up, I’m not standing next to Mr. Lavak.

And Mr. Lavak, please take my three dollars, and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. The sad thing is, you’ll probably like it.

And now for your viewing pleasure, photos of that “loser” Jennifer Aniston’s hot man Justin Theroux.

 

 

I bet Justin is imagining the wall as Mr. Lavak's face.
I bet Justin is imagining the wall as Mr. Lavak’s face.
LAWD!
LAWD!

 

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