Are you a pessimist? I kid around about being a closet pessimist but I think I need to add an addendum to that description. I am a optimist when it comes to everyone else on the planet. If you are trying to succeed at something, I tend to not even doubt for a second that you won’t make it.
If you are looking for true love, then I’m convinced God has the perfect person for you and you just have to wait for his timing. If you are trying to lose weight, or get that job, or climb Everest, well then I am BEYOND CONVINCED YOU’VE GOT THIS MAN!!!! Pack up the Sherpas and get on with it!!!
Then there’s me.
You tell me I’ll get that job, climb Everest, lose weight, or fall in love, then I would have called you crazy lickity split. AND I would have given you a funny look like you’ve lost your utter mind to which I would have rumpled my brow at the exact spot I could really use some Botox right now. So to all my friends who were so positive to me over the years and I looked at you like you were nuts, you owe me Botox to get rid of my 11.
At my utter and worse moments people told me things would get better. When I was all but homeless, people told me, don’t quit, keep going, it’s going to all come together someday. And it did.
Even when it came to dating. After a decade of horrible first dates, including the man that walked out of our date because he found out I was a Gemini. Or the guy that fell off my stairs on my porch and didn’t exactly appreciate my laughing at him. To the toaster prick who belittled my very existence. Every time YOU, and you all know who you are, told me there was someone out there for me, not once, not even a little bit, did I ever believe it.
You see, I think for some of us, especially when life gets so hard, we stop being able to imagine good in our lives. It becomes a conscious effort. We think happiness and wholeness are reserved for “other” people. But God hasn’t forgotten us. He doesn’t smack his wand of happiness over the head of only a chosen few. It’s what he wants for all of us. He wants nothing more than to give us the desires of our hearts. And He will. Always.
But like all good parents, there’s sometimes lessons that have to be learned first and He has to allow it. I had a lot I had to learn. And I am stunned at all the ground I covered. I love the lessons in my life now. I wouldn’t have become the person I am without them. I had to learn I was more than capable. I had to learn I could do anything if I put my mind to it and was willing to work hard enough. I learned I could save myself. And one of the biggest lessons, I learned happiness wasn’t given to me, it was my choice and I was capable at choosing it regardless of any outside situation.
I learned how to be happy exactly as my life was and is, at any given moment.
But the “love” thing. Oh, that was even bigger. It’s the thing that plagued me most of my life. In my head I was never lovable. And if I was ever going to be, well, then it must be earned, I thought. I had to say, do, and be the right person and then maybe, just maybe, I could make it happen. But that’s not love, that’s conditions. And that’s how I was raised. It took a painful toll on my self-view, which took a lifetime to correct. Some days it will even attempt to creep back in to my psyche. But it’s a whole lot easier to shut it down these days.
I think it’s so wonderful that when I finally stopped trying and just started “be-ing”, my whole life changed.
I’ve been single for so long that I couldn’t even picture having someone in my life. I would get glimpses from time to time. And then I’d get a few daggers through the heart. But there they were. Every time. All of you! Some equipped with tissues and others equipped with wine. Some with both. But there they were, my closest friends and my family telling me God had someone so special for me. And I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it…until he showed up.
And now, I don’t even know how to describe it. I’m so blown away by God’s graciousness that I’m quite literally beside myself. I’m just grateful. Overwhelmed with gratitude really. I feel God’s hand on me, in my life and his hands on this relationship and I cannot, CANNOT, believe He loves me so much that he would bring me this man. And the other part of that, which was so hard to learn was believing that whomever God brought in to my life, that I also, would be a gift to them. Eventually, God help me to see the value in myself. And people will always treat you according to your own self-view.
All those years of crying. All those years of struggle. All those years of learning to love myself. It all led to this. You were all right. I don’t even mind the “I told you so’s”. All of it was worth it.
He…is so worth it.