Thoughts on how to remain much, muchier.
Recently, I’ve been hiking a new trail that’s closer to “my” house than my much beloved trail (that I won’t shut up about. Read about it here.) I’ve only run this trail twice and I have gotten lost exactly 100% of the time. The park that contains the trail is surrounded by a 6.2 mile paved road loop that is circled by lake on three sides. I’ve biked that loop precisely eleventy-billion times. (#Truestory) But the hiking trails are new to me. After spending so much time on the outside of the trails, imagine my surprise that I keep getting lost as hell inside the interior of that circle.
Yes, I took a map. No, the map is not accurate. I’ve come to forks in the road, then whatever the triple version of that is, followed by a four-way with nary a sign to guide me. I keep thinking, ok, if it gets really bad, all I have to do is hike downward where I will eventually hit the paved road and will instantly know where I am. (Especially since I’ve given every hill a number and a name. “Sexy six” is the cruelest of them all. My daughter threw up on it once. #AgainTrueStory #SorryKins)
Last weekend with my second attempt, I figured I would easily repeat what I had painfully accomplished the time before. But alas, nope. The most disturbing moment of the entire hike/run/crying was when a buzzard, the same size as my Jeep, STARTED CIRCLING ME! #ISwearToAllThatIsHolyItsaTrueStory I kept thinking, geez bud. Thanks for the vote of confidence. But before the buzzards and coyotes could drag my lifeless body from the premises, I would find my location, only to lose it again. And that was the hike. “Oh, I know where I’m at!! Wait, which trail am I supposed to take? Oh, god where am I? OMG, I only have one nut bar with me. @#$%&*%!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU COMMIE BUZZARD! Oh, that’s where I am. Get in my mouth nut bar. Wait…” Repeat.
I hate losing my way. But I hate it most in real life. When all of a sudden I don’t recognize the path I’m on. And I panic. And what does that look like for me?
Well, it’s when I lose my “muchness”.
I know I’m a creature of habit. If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you’ll know I quote the same movies and books repeatedly. Well, we’re back to Louis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland.
Youre not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier; youve lost your muchness. Mad Hatter
My muchness? Alice
In there (your heart/core), something is missing. Mad Hatter
I’ve had 3 different people point out my missing muchness of late. That makes me incredibly sad. Especially when it’s alluded me to a degree and I worked so hard to find my muchness in the first place.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why and it all boils down to my least favorite 4-letter ‘f’ word. F.E.A.R.
You see, I’m a pleaser. Which I’ve learned isn’t a completely awful thing. Bringing happiness to other’s lives in turn makes me happy. However, if you please others at the detriment of taking care of yourself and if you are worried more about others and their reactions or than you are yourself, you are at great risk of losing your muchness. For me, anytime I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around anyone, is letting go of a piece of my muchness. All those beautiful things that make you uniquely you can begin to become hidden and they are the very things you should never apologize for. One of the great keys to happiness in this life is when you are living the purest, most authentic self you can be.
If you are attempting to be anything that you are not, then you’ve stepped off your true path. And suddenly, there is turmoil within your soul. Or at least, that’s how it works with me. If you’re walking on eggshells you are trying to control a situation that you have no control over. You could be perfect as perfect can be and you still would not be the owner of another person’s reaction.
These days, if I’m not in line with my soul I am at a level of complete and utter torture. Once I committed to fully being myself, which I did a near decade ago, without apology, anything that leads me away from that becomes an enemy of my destiny and happiness. Not to mention, it scares the bejeezus out of me.
And fear is a nasty thing that if you let control your life, it will happily do so.
I truly believe every individual is like a diamond. Oh, sure, I may be a diamond in the rough but even “rough” diamonds are made up of many facets. Each facet makes up a part of who you are. If you blocked any one facet of a diamond, it wouldn’t have the same shimmer if you were allowing the full light to saunter through. Your soul should shine. Even more so, it should be ENCOURAGED to shine from those around you. I’m convinced anything less robs the world and you of something very special.
A friend recently reminded me of a conversation we had on our very first meeting. There was a lot of alcohol involved so I literally have no recollection of the conversation and I stood in amazement at her memory. She said do you remember telling me what your family surname’s motto was? I said well, I know it but I don’t remember telling you! She said, fortune favors the brave, with me mouthing the words as she spoke.
Being yourself and revealing all of your muchness is the bravest thing you can do. It takes real cojones to fight for your muchness. But that bravery leads to happiness and peace, which is the very best fortune I could possibly ever imagine.
Stay on the path of your authentic self without apology and let go of the fear of doing so. Say what you have to say, and be who you need to be. You’ll soon be back on the right path because there’s no need to go back down any rabbit holes.