A Bad Case of the Whys

Thoughts on having the occasional cathartic breakdown.

From the moment I woke up this morning it was a crap day. I couldn’t figure out how a day could go so sideways so quickly, but it did. It went sideways for my son too. There we were, the two of us, stressed out of our gourds and it wasn’t even 8am. I wanted to make the day better and tried every trick I know like practicing gratitude, but alas, it was still crap.

Lately, I’ve tried to change my routine and daily habits for the sole purpose of creating better days that I felt were purposeful. Instead of how a lot of us spend our time. We push the snooze button 12 times. We rush around afterward. We jump on social media and are left feeling depressed and like a big pile of loser. Then we realize how long we just spent on social media and feel like we’ve been robbed.

Then we jump into our work day feeling behind and rushed and spend the remainder of the day playing catch up. It’s stressful and difficult and peace can’t live in a space like that. For the longest time I’ve felt that, I can do better than this. I can be better than this.

So I’ve been getting up earlier and following a pretty decent routine. Before my feet hit the ground, I read my daily devotional by one of my all-time favorite authors, Melody Beattie. It’s called the Language of Letting Go. I’ve read that devotional pretty much every day for the almost past ten years since I first broke free from abuse.

Then I’ll drink my lemon water with bicarbonate, because it makes me feel amazing. And while I’m giving that a little time in my tummy, I meditate with the app called Calm. I can’t even believe the difference meditating has made in my life. It’s given me more focus and control on my wild mind. I come from a long line of over-thinkers so calming this thing down is not an easy task.

Then, I make my coffee. Help my son get out the door for school and begin my workday. Toward the end of the day, I try to work in some form of exercise. And by the evening, I try to write in my book, and now that it’s corruption free, my blog.

That’s a pretty good life right?

But, today it wasn’t. Literally, nothing was going right. Late in the day, I think I had had about enough. Since my son missed his ride to school with his mountain biking teammate, it was up to me to prep his bike and scurry off to the school to pick him up and take him to practice.

When I went to air up his tires, I could never get the pump attachment to fully seal onto the tire attachment. I kept trying and trying. Over and over. And I stood there while I watched all the air spew from the tire. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it to work. I tried every trick I knew. I checked that I was doing it “right” a million times. And still, it wouldn’t work and even more air hissed its way out of the tire screaming “FREEDOM”!

And that was the moment right there. I don’t know why my heart broke so completely at that moment. But it did. And I went into a full-on meltdown.

Why? I asked. Why can’t I get this tire aired up? Why am I having to do this in the first place? Why won’t my son take any initiative in getting his own license? Why is health insurance so expensive and out of my reach? Why is my electric bill so absurdly high right now? Why can’t I focus today? Why am I not losing any weight when I eat right and work out every damn day? Why am I so blind? Why won’t my daughter clean out her cat’s litter box? Why am I still struggling? Why isn’t my book written yet? Why has my sister stopped caring about me? Why am I going to have to move again in two years?

And then, finally, after a ton of silly “whys” that were flying out of my mouth at that speed of stupid, the REAL one reared its ugly head.

Why am I so alone?

And that was it. That was the problem. The real one. Not the superficial ones. Not the ones that I’m actually so grateful for, because it could be so much worse. Holy hell. It’s been so much worse. There was a time I was homeless. So now I live in the most charming, adorable, magical, place you could imagine! It’s complete with waterfalls, and gargoyles, and deer, and raccoons, and foxes, and an opossum who’s eating the cat food I left out for him right now with the cat glaring at him through the glass while he gloats. True story! I’m so grateful for all I have. I really am.

No one ever said being a single mom is an easy job. Heck, being a mom period isn’t an easy job. It takes everything you have. Which I happily give. I want happy “babies” even if they are 16 and 20. But it’s hard doing this by myself, with zero help or financial support their non-existent dad. Which, I know is for the best.

I just feel so alone. In facing my future. In facing day to day decisions and problems. In parenting. In silly things like grocery shopping. And in most mornings when I wake up.

I have friends that I adore and I am grateful for who support me. I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly. I have my kids who ended up making it a pretty wonderful day after we all sat down to dinner together and made fun of the kids on Ninja Warrior Junior. (I wish you could have heard the banter.) And my son, just popped his head in the room and said “I love you, mom.”

I know I have want for nothing. I don’t mean to sound like a spoiled brat. I also think a little breakdown now and again is cathartic for the soul. I feel like it pushed the real problem I’m feeling to the surface. So now, my job is to figure out why I’m feeling that way and how I can fix it, because I am the only one responsible for my life and how I feel. And I’ll do that…tomorrow.

Right now, I’m going to drink wine and eat this entire bag of peanut butter M&M’s. Wait, why am I not losing weight again? 😉

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