Thoughts on living in the fringe.

Do you remember the huge Technicolor epic film The Ten Commandments written and directed by Cecil B. DeMille? It starred a beefy Charlton Heston and a wily Anne Baxter. It’s the story of Moses brought to you by Hollywood. Oh sure I could have just said the story of Moses from the bible but I seem to watch more movies these days than I read my bible. Hence the reference.

Growing up in the seventies and eighties, they used to play this film every year around Easter. Maybe they still do, but I highly doubt it. I’m certain someone somewhere would be offended. But, there I would sit in front of our big-box television for a good four hours that felt more like ten. They even had a built-in intermission back in those days which would give me enough time to raid the kitchen and gird my loins for the remaining million hours.

For the most part, the film was an interesting romp. Or at least it held my attention, until the end. I hated the ending and it still pisses me off. After everything Moses went through. Being sent down the river as a baby. Being a member of Pharaoh’s family and then being a slave. Surviving the angel of death. Wandering through the desert. Climbing a mountain. The burning bush. Having to throw the ten commandants at those of little faith. And dang, crossing the red sea??? It was a lot. And he was faithful through it all. Then, they FINALLY arrive at the “promised land.” And what happens? Moses isn’t allowed to cross over into it. Oh sure, everyone else got to. But not Moses. God took him up on a mountain so he could see it but told him that he would not be allowed to enter.

I won’t go big into the semantics but it supposedly had something to do with Moses doing something that God wanted to do and thus he disobeyed him. Therefore he was allowed to see the promised land and not enter.

I love God, but that bugs me. I hated it for the movie Moses too even though he just appeared grateful which is a good state of mind to be in. After the million hours I committed to this movie, some small part of my child pea brain thought the ending would be different each year.

I’ve always been a bit of an outsider. I can’t’ help it. Part of it might be that I’m just goofy. I’m okay with that. I’m also a little weird. I can have difficulty having a one-on-one conversation with someone but you stick a mic in my hand in front of a crowd of a thousand and I’m at home. I’ve always been the odd girl out. That’s who I am, but then there are my life’s situations.

For some reason in my life, I always find myself just one degree of separation from all that I want. I’ll get so close. I’ll be on the mountain and I can totally see the promised land. But I can’t have it. And I don’t understand that. I’ve crawled through the desert. I’ve fought my tail off to get better, do better, be better. Why am I still always on the fringe?

Most days I’m okay with it. Most days I can get to a place where I’m just grateful. Which I am. I’m always grateful. But some days, like today, I just want to know why. Why does it always have to be that way, and why can I never seemingly be able to do anything about it.

I’m sure the lesson lies somewhere in acceptance. To trust I’m where I’m meant to be. To trust the timing of it all. But, today. I feel like I’m 8 again watching that stupid movie and I’m just pissed. Saddened and pissed. I don’t want my entire life to go by with me always standing on the outside, looking in. Just once, I would like to be in the promised land looking back at the mountain I just climbed. If it were one area, maybe I’d be okay with that. But dang, not ALL the areas.

I don’t want to argue with God and his timing, and I’ll get back to a good place because I am one seriously perseverant mf’er. But, just not today. And I think that’s okay.

(Side note: Oh my Gawd, I didn’t even mention Yul Brynner. That’s why I’m not allowed in the promised land. He stole the whole show!)